28 before 28

So I have been making a mental list of things that I want to do in the next five or so years (for this blog I am giving myself 5.5 years...28 looks better then 27.5 and 27 is not quite 5 years and I felt gipped)

Anyways...some friends (ehem...Nick and this guy - http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/12/my-40-before-40-list/) have been making these lists and so I thought I would copy the idea and do my own.

1. Learn to throw on the potter's wheel.

2. Have an apartment - make some of my own furniture...furnish it with antiques and quirky items.

3. Finish writing my curriculum series for Children's Ministry.

4. Play tennis on a consistent basis.

5. Continue to be a learner - read fiction and non-fiction, write, write, and continue writing, dialogue with others who stimulate new ideas and challenge me to grow and think about things in a new way.

6. Surround myself with friends to share life with, and be in a small group.

7. Lead a children's ministry. Equip families, tell Bible stories, invest in the lives of children, and love everyone that I meet.

8. Maintain a healthy diet.

9. Buy an Ipad.

10. Hike, bike, kayak, and camp...not just talking about it, but doing it.

11. Start on my Master's.

12. Make my parent's proud.

13. Get published.

14. Go on a missions trip.

15. Find a mentor.

16. Go skiing or snowboarding.

17. Lead someone (hopefully multiple people) to Christ.

18. Learn to play my guitar (not just chords, but actual songs and be good enough to play in front of others).

19. Consistently go to a coffee shop and talk to the people there.

20. Own a dog.

21. Read through the entire Bible.

22. Learn to sew from my mom.

23. Sponsor a child through World Vision.

24. Go to a ministry conference (ex. Orange or Simply Youth Ministry)

25. Own, and know how to operate, a nice camera.

26. Volunteer at a sea turtle hospital...for at least a day.

27. Own a collection of records...and a record player.

28. Walk in the footprints of Christ getting closer and closer to Him each and every day.

Blood on my Hands

I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease when I was two years old. This means that I cannot eat wheat, oats, or barley malt. Usually this does not really matter much to me - food is food, no big deal.

In these past three and a half years I have really begun to appreciate the Lord's Supper. In one of my classes (Synoptic Gospels) I studied Luke 22:14-23. This passage is about the Last Supper, the fulfillment of a covenant.

The Old Testament is filled with covenants...promises made by God. He promises Noah that He won't flood the earth again, He promises Abraham land and many descendants, and He promises the Law given through Moses to the Israelites. Most, if not all, covenants were sealed with a blood sacrifice.

So, Jesus in Luke 22 is having one final meal with His best friends and this final meal happens to be the Passover feast. Passover...the staple Jewish holiday. Passover...the remembering of the Exodus. Remembering that God delivered His chosen people out of slavery. Remembering that God let their sons live, while others perished. Remembering that God holds true to His promises.

They are eating this meal together and Jesus, the night before He (the son of God) is going to be killed, takes bread and in verse 19 says: "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." He takes the bread and breaks it. He breaks His body for them.

Then He takes the cup...verse 20 says, "In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."

He takes the cup of the new covenant... a new covenant...not to abolish the old...but no, to bring fulfillment (in Greek - to be brought to full measure). This covenant, is God's promise brought to full measure by the blood of Jesus Christ Himself.

How amazing.

So the last day of this class, we all went to my Professor's house for lunch. He is one of the most Godly men that I have ever met in my entire life. While there, we all sat in his living room and he told us about his experiences with communion. He told us that no one should ever be left out of the blessing and grace brought to us through the cup and the bread. He then took out a chalice and loaf of bread and he and his wife went around and offered us all communion. It was a very powerful moment. They went around to each student individually saying, "this is the body of Christ broken for you," and "this is the blood of Christ which was poured out for you, do this in remembrance of Him." When they got to me, I looked down in shame because I had to refuse...the communion was by intinction and I physically was not able to partake. This was a really difficult moment for me. I had just finished studying the beauty of the cup, but was unable to join the community. I was heart broken.

This semester I live with an amazing young lady, Emily Hathway. She is beautiful inside and out and glows with the image of Christ in her. After hearing my heart on communion she offered to make gluten free bread for the Corem Deo Communion service.

The second time this semester that she did this, I was sitting in my room while the bread was baking and the smell of freshly baked bread snuck its way under the door and into my room...and I began to feel extremely hungry. As my stomach growled, I came to a realization that this is beautiful...I was hungering after the body of Christ.

Isn't that how it should be?

Later that night I went to communion service. A professor/minister had us stand together as he recited the words of distribution...the same words that Christ Himself used on that last night.

Then we made our way up the center aisles...

The bread...being gluten-free...crumbled as my peers took pinches to dunk into the cup. This made me smile just a little...

life is messy.

When my turn came, I pulled off a piece of the bread, dunked it into the cup, and went back to my seat. After eating my juice soaked bread, my hands were covered from the dripping juice.

I looked down at the sticky, crumby mess left on my once clean hands, and I realized that my hands are stained with the blood of Christ.

I am at fault.

The blood is on my hands... I am guilty.

In that same instant I also realized that the same blood that stains my hands, washes me clean.

The same blood that proves me guilty...makes me innocent.

I broke Christ. I am at fault...we all are...but that same body...that same blood ... overflows and makes us white as snow.

How incredible.

TrueStory:Genesis

This past fall semester I took a class entitled "Curriculum Theory and Development." In that class I had the opportunity to self-publish my curriculum book. I designed, wrote, illustrated, and self-published a book called "TrueStory: Genesis".

The description reads:

TrueStory Genesis focuses primarily on the idea of storytelling. It takes the stories of the Bible and enables the students to tell, retell, and tell again the story of the week. It encourages using different ways to tell the story and to help every learner feel accepted. This curriculum goes directly through the Bible and empowers children to be able to understand the stories and retell them. It will help them as they grow older and start asking the “big” questions. This curriculum includes the whole family and brings the “faith home.”

Check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/TrueStory-Genesis-Rachel-South/dp/1456404598/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1293165481&sr=1-1

AMINALS!

So today I got bored and busted out the oil pastels!

I think I'll add a lion and a monkey to the mix later.

sleep-thinking

In my endeavor to become a better writer, I have been following Coach's (Dr. Drury's) advice and when I think of something in the middle of the night that has potential for me to write about...I well...write it down.

So the other night I was in that state of sleeping where you are asleep, but not really. That period of time right before you fall asleep and you can still feel the pillow pressed against your face, but you are unsure whether or not you could actually move even if you tried...yes, that was where I was. I believe I was thinking about spending time with God. I do that often. I think about how I should spend time with Him...I even plan out what I would want to do in that time...I convince myself I should spend time with Him...yet there I lay with my face plastered against my pillow saying yet again...tomorrow.

Confession - I struggle with doing daily devotions...

Confession - I then wonder why I feel far from God...duh.

I think part of the problem that I have with doing devotions is that I have all along thought it only effected me...that the only one who suffers here is me...and so I could not conjure up enough drive to just do it...it felt like cleaning my room ...I'm the only one who will see the mess right? wrong.

While I was sleep-thinking I started listing off reasons why I should be doing devotions. Then one hit me. Devotions are less about me transforming for the sake of just transforming ...but are about me transforming so that I can be as close to God as possible for the benefit of those who are placed in my care and for those I meet on a daily basis.

God wants me to seek Him and become more like Him not only for my own well-being, but for every child that will someday be in my Children's Ministry, for my friends, for my family, for my future husband, and for my future kids. God wants me to look more like Him, so that He can be glorified, so that He can reach more people, so that I become less...and He becomes more.

It is about Him ...not me.

Awesome!

Co-dependant

In my class Youth Evangelism and Discipleship we have been talking about Evangelism and Discipleship...which I guess you could have figured out.

Charlie Alcock is my professor, and though he may come across as a surfer from California, he is one of the smartest people that I know.

In the midst of conversing about the differences and similarities Charlie pointed out that the two topics cannot be separated. Evangelism and Discipleship are in fact co-dependant.

He likened it to a car. Sure the engine (being discipleship/relational ministry) keeps the car running, the car cannot go anywhere without the wheels (evangelism).

Though some may be more gifted for evangelism and others more gifted for discipleship, they cannot be separated. To say that you would do one without the other is a misunderstanding of the mission of the church and of all believers.

Christ called us to "go" (evangelism) and "make disciples" (discipleship)...it was not a one or the other choice...it is both and.

A day at the Lake

A day at the lake...

So I was flipping through some pictures from the last year or two remembering different events that have shaped who I am today, and I came to this one.

This picture was taken at the pastor's retreat during my first internship two summer's ago. This moment was a defining moment for me.

We had finished dinner and were going out for our final boat ride and as the only college student I was trying to figure out where I fit and ended up sitting with all of the kids at the front of the boat. I had gained a new friend, Jaren, a three year old with quick wits, a cuddly personality, and adorable in all ways.

So, we are all sitting there excited about the boat ride, energized because it is just about past our bedtimes, and goofy because of the excitement. The excitement was overwhelming some of us and the volume was rising...naturally.

As an attempt to channel some of this energy I busted out some camp songs. At first all that I got was some awkward stares, but soon we were all singing about frogs, Jesus, and hippos. As the songs continued some of the little guys got a little over zealous and started screaming. Though this is fun for the screamers, it is not quite as fun for those observing.

As you can see in the picture we all appear to be screaming. This is the loudest most painful scream one can ever endure... it is the silent scream! Do not let it's name fool you, as you scream this "silent" scream the ears of those within proximity must suddenly be covered or else the pain will overwhelm them!

So, I am sitting with these beautiful six children silently screaming, singing camp songs, and wrapping towels and blankets around them to keep them warm...and they are looking at me. They are all looking at me with huge smiles on their faces and anticipation in their eyes ...excited to see what we will do next. It was then and there that I remembered. It was as if God was giving me this moment to remind me of my love for children. As I looked around and realized the influence that I had on these little ones, I realized that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is what it is all about.

Riding a Bike

Today in class Dr. Lennox told us an analogy that really got me thinking.

He said that college (especially in the school of theology and ministry) is like trying to ride your bike and think about how to ride a bike at the same time...by doing this you inevitably fall off sometimes.

He then continued to explain it saying that while we are trying to think about riding the bike (and this is good) we need to be cautioned to not forget how to ride the bike.

Practically speaking...

I think practically this is extremely relevant to ministerial students at IWU...

Lately I have noticed that so many of my classmates get more excited about thinking about ministry than they do about doing ministry...

They (or maybe I should say we) get so excited sitting around at McConn (the coffee shop) brooding over ideas, theories, and theology, yet most of us are not even involved in a local ministry...and cringe at the idea of actually getting out there in the "real world."

Why? Why would we rather sit around and think about riding the bike than actually ride it?

I think it is because it is safe.

There is no risk thinking about ministry. There are no consequences of thinking about all of the changes that "need" to happen. There are no real people actually effected by people just thinking about ministry.

You can't fall off a bike that you never get on.

But what about the thrill that comes with speeding down a hill, with wind in your hair, and your feet hardly able to keep up with the pedals?

Personally...I want to ride the bike. I want to put a baseball card in the spokes and take off.

Sure I may have to go uphill once in a while...or the weather may not always be ideal...but isn't that what makes the "perfect" ride so enjoyable?

Stressful, tiring, and oh so worth it.

picture with me...a room bustling with activity...

children laying on the floors every which way...

turning summersaults at any opportunity...

yelling answers out of turn ...

hitting one another at the slightest turn of your head...

all the while, the leaders attempt to bring forth some sort of order...some opportunity for "learning." The chosen eight sit at the edge of their seats, with quiz lights in hand, anticipating what the pastor will ask next...hoping that they will reach the ultimate glory of a "quiz out."

Yes...this is ministry...

Tonight I sat next to a little girl. She came up to me first thing this evening...her eyes so carefully marked by makeup hoping to be someone older...someone different...

adorable...absolutely,

innocent ...maybe,

spoiled...contradictory.

This little girl came up to me first thing this evening and without hesitation proclaimed ..."You were funny last week," as if my quirkiness bought the admiration of this beautiful child. From that moment she stuck by me all night.

This little girl...wanting so badly to be a little girl, yet maybe unsure of what this really means.

This little girl...who yearns for a mentor...finds it in an under-qualified, overly enthusiastic, college kid...mimicking her as she pushes up her sleeves.

This little girl...smelling of smoke and unable, for some unknowable reason, to answer the simple question...do you have siblings?

This little girl...skipping gym time, just to gain a little more attention.

This little girl...declaring that she is now in my group...without any question in mind.

This little girl...who will now pervade my prayers...

is also ministry.

the wisdom of a baboon

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back will mean facing my past. I've been running from it for so long. (Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick)


Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past. (laughs)


Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from (swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way)

White picket fences vs. boarder-less goals

Driving back from fall break I was struck by a realization of our generation. It seems that there has been a shift. A shift from the "American dream" to adventure, to freedom, to change, and to social justice. Though this shift excites me, it worries me. I have seen our generation rise to the occasion on issues such as sex trafficking, child soldiers, unclean water...poverty. It is so inspiring to see hundreds of thousands of young people become excited about the possibility of change.

In college, I see that we have so many options...so many possibilities...it really is endless. In this abundance of opportunity, there is a lack of clarity. The generation before us dreamed to acquire a tangible goal...a family, a nice house, a steady job...comfort. With this tangibility came steadiness...commitment...a goal oriented society...it can all be placed nice a neat on a list. But, now the shift has brought forth an abstract goal that cannot be listed or labeled and because of this confusion has ensued.

I look around and I see young people (like myself) looking towards the goal of changing the world. Through this search for something more we fail to engage in the here and now, in relationships, in goals, and ideas...though I believe we long for extravagance, because there is a lack of direction...tangibility and engagement...our dreams become nothing more than ...dreams.

So, though the future is full of potential...potential is not good enough. We, well...I... need to find ground. Somewhere to place my feet, so that I can start running...running towards something greater...something larger than life...something or, in my case someone (that being Christ) who really can change the world. Corny...maybe...spectacular...definitely.

Loving Others

Loving others...well, this seems simple enough right? I have heard many say that Christianity is nothing more than "loving God and loving people." I have thought a great deal about this statement, and although have had my qualms with it in the past...I am starting to believe it true.

The problem lays with the "nothing more" part of the statement. Nothing more? Really? Ministry, Christianity, the church, it's people, if it were to work through this statement, would indeed find solutions to many of it's problems. In 1 John 4:16 it says "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." So why is this so hard?

1 John 4:17-21 continues with saying...

"In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

At a Christian University you would think this would be understood...you would think it to be the banner held high in the ministry department...instead when "loving God and loving others" is mentioned one can look around only to see eyes rolling, hear exasperated sighs and slight chuckling. Why? Why has this become an icon of scorn? Is it because it is overdone or misunderstood?

A student can gain all the wisdom of the world...all the facts...all the philosophies...all the theories of theology and ministry, but without this passion...without love it is, as our Ecclesiastical friend would say, "vanity."

A professor of mine said that we, as students, have become institutionalized. We never want to leave this place. Of course we all say how badly we want out, but really deep down many of us fear what is to come. We would prefer discussing deep ideas and "dreams" brooding over coffee, then getting out there and "doing" ministry and loving people.

The passion has become distinguished...how do we fight it?

1. Presence with God - I believe that prayer is breathing with God. It is timing our breaths with His, our thoughts with His, meeting Him where He is ...not the other way around. It is alining our hearts to His and if God is love, than how can we not have that love if we are "breathing" with Him?

2. Presence with people - When you are being with people, really being with people, in their hurts, in their pain, crying with them, laughing with them ...being with them...sharing life with them you cannot help, but to love them. I'm not talking about coffee meetings, class time, or movies on a Friday night... I'm talking about the real issues in life. I'm talking about being a shoulder to cry on, affirming truths in their life, lending a hand...sharing your life with them.

3. Presence with the church - The church is by no means perfect, but it is real. It is up to you what the church looks like. It can be a place where everyone wears a mask, it can be a place where people come and hide ...or... it can be a place of true community, true family, a picture of love.

4. Presence with the here and now - "My" generation seems to have the tendency of either looking of what has been or what could be. We look at how it was in high school or maybe even college as the "golden years," losing sight of the present time. Another common error, that I easily fall into, is that of looking only at what is to come. By living in the past, or even the future, we fail to see the here and now, and in that we fail to love those in the here and now...

The LORD's

Seeking identity, value, and truth,

looking for answers to questions of worth.

El Elohe Israel written in Your Word,

El Elohe Rachel is what I've inferred.

Asking for blessings in this turmoil,

wrestling and hoping, my heart is in toil.

I take a new name as I search for more,

my name is now Jacob, Israel, the LORD's.

I find my identity in the God that I love,

I look to Him for answers above.

I am a servant of the LORD, my God, Yahweh,

It is written on my hand, my heart, and all that I say.

Jesus, lover of my soul...

Jesus, lover of my soul,
Jesus, I will never let you go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now I know

I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall,
I’ll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you until the very end

...this song. This song may very well be my theme song for the year. It's simple. It's true. It's beautiful. Jesus loves us...I know this sounds like a line from your 1st grade Sunday school classroom, but it still reigns true. He doesn't just love you...He loves the very core of who you are ...He loves your soul. He sees past the shortcomings, the mistakes, the mask...He sees deep within to a place that often gets ignored, hidden, or ...hurt and yet He loves you.

He never lets go of us, but we sometimes let go of Him. As the second line insinuates it is up to us whether or not we hold on or not. Now the third line...it is so raw and rich. We are always told that God is molding us like a potter does clay. I picture the potters wheel with God's hands pushing in on the clay in all different directions...adding pressure, smoothing out imperfections, removing air pockets. This clay does not fight back, but allows the ultimate artist to form it into something amazing. This image does not always appear comfortable for the clay...but in the end...in the end the clay is a piece of art.

Sometimes in life I feel like I am floating. Anxiety sets in. Fear. Pain,...but God is the rock on which we are to stand. When lies creep into the back of your mind...when insecurities flood in and start to take over, God is the rock...He is the truth. And the truth remains that He is the redeemer, the restorer, the healer. He is love.

Now this last section of the song, I feel is almost a groaning from the soul. "I love you, I need you..." Proclaiming the truth that on my own...on your own...we cannot do it. We cannot make it. We need God. We need His power, His protection, His healing touch...His love.

"Though my world may fall..." Life hurts. I was at a funeral of my grandmother last Fall and with tears streaming down my face I looked towards a man that I consider one of the wisest people in the world. He, with his arms stretched in a hug around me, said "With great love, comes great risk...and you sure loved her a lot." Love is a risk. There is always a chance that your heart will be torn into a million pieces...even if you do everything right. Even if you love another person with all that you have...the world may still fall.

But...God is the healer. God restores and redeems. God is where we are to put our hope. God is love. Even when we are hurt and cannot understand...even when things don't go as planned...even if it feels unfair...God will not leave us in the pain...He will come through...so don't let go of Him.

The end of this song is powerful for me as well. "My Saviour, my closest friend" How incredible that the author and redeemer of the universe offers to His children ...friendship. He offers to us... love that will never fail. As a result the song ends with "I will worship you until the very end." Through the sorrows of life and the joys we...I...am to worship. To cry out. To proclaim God as Holy.

I hope to live this song out. I hope to live with love...to live without letting go of God...to let Him mold me...to see His truth...to recognize that I need Him...to rely on Him in times of desperation...and to worship God until the very end.

the beginning

I wonder…

I picture the world without people…

The ocean…

the mountains…

the sunsets…

the first snowfall…

Sea turtles hatching following the moonlight

stars that fill the skies

Giraffes …

I picture it all so beautifully crafted. so beautifully, so delicately, untouched.

I then see one lone man. Adam.

Adam saw it all. First.

Imagine.

Each day Adam probably experienced something new, something beautiful.

No hurt. No pain. No fear.

Just trust. Innocence.

yet…

yet Adam had no one to experience this aw-inspiring world with. He had no one just like him to turn to and …

enjoy life.

See God created Adam and Eve to co-exist. To trust each other. To love each other. To …

enjoy life together.

In this world no one was created to be alone. God created something beautiful…He created companionship… companionship with Him and companionship with others.

Heal me

God will heal the broken hearted ...will mend the wounded spirit
but for now my heart lays in pieces bleeding on the floor
death captures us in a swift small moment
it takes away the ones we love
the hope lays in the forever heaven
but leaves us alone as we look above
We cherish all those beautiful memories
as tears roll burning down our face
we look for answers to the questions
which so deeply trouble our souls
I ask the questions and feel the anger
I search and I wonder why
I try to trust and try to heal, but my heart is no longer one
So heal me Father make me whole
heal my broken heart
see me Father see me crying hold me close and keep me warm
I love You Father even in my despair make me better than before.