I think I'm in a funk. Not the kind where a cup of coffee or more sleep (or chocolate) can snap me out of it. I think it's deeper. I feel restless and alone and it's lasted way too long. I can't seem to focus, and it's not the distraction of my normal ping pong brain, but a deeper discontented unfocus. I can't seem to think through what is eating at me. I can't seem to sit and pray or read. I want to, but I just feel stuck. I have felt the need to sit down and make goals, but nothing comes. I thought maybe it was a lack of "resolutions" for 2013, but nah it's not that. I know what I want to reflect, I know how I want to be, but I'm just not. I want to pursue passions. I want to do art. to write. to play. I want to be strong and confident. I want to be intense. It's there. I can feel it. I want to say whatever is on my mind. I want to reflect Christ's love. I want to be a part of the Story. It's like something big is supposed to happen. I feel like this can't be it, but what is it then? Something bigger. Something that rocks my world, that flips it. Something totally exciting yet terrifying at the same time. I feel it in my core or in my soul. Do you feel it?Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else feel like this can't be it? Every time I bring it up I get these crazy looks or people shift in their chairs completely and utterly uncomfortable with the questions and discontent I bring. Or better yet I get "reassured" that I am "doing" enough. No way. I'm not talking about doing works to earn God's love. No. I am talking about God doing something huge. I am talking about a group of people coming together willing and ready for God to rock our worlds. I am talking about not settling for convenient Christianity, not settling for "just."
Just love those you come in contact with.
Just say a little prayer.
Just do the best you can.
Just...
No.
It's bigger than "just"...God deserves more than "just"...God is bigger than "just"...
I have no idea where this is going, but I have a feeling that this funk isn't going anywhere for a while.
Hi Rachel, all your thoughts seem completely "normal" to me. I know many people that feel the same way, including myself at times. Have you tried meditating? I know you pray, which can be similar. But, as they say, prayer is talking to God, while meditation is being quieting down enough to hear God talk to you. Regardless, excellent blog post and thanks for sharing your angst. You'll find your answers in due time. You are not alone :) -Shephali
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