Embers

So these past couple of weeks the idea of relational ministry has been sinking it's way deeper into my heart. I wasn't really sure what has been giving me this uneasy feeling, but I think this is part of it. Let me explain. I am soon to approach my two year mark of the grand move to Texas. With this mini-versery making it's way closer I have been thinking through how this year has been different than the past, and what this next year holds (don't worry Texan friends, I'm not going anywhere). Somewhere along this journey I decided that I would let myself "be okay" with being here. Somewhere or at some time, I decided that "being okay" was better than not being okay and I allowed a couple of roots to start to grow. As a result, relationships have developed (don't worry Indiana friends, I'm not talking about a mystery man). By allowing myself to be okay, I allowed some people to "see" me. I let some people hear my story and understand this crazy, quirky, "yankee" (never call me "yankee"...but seriously, don't) and through it I realized that I long for more. See, I think really, we all long for more. We long for deeper, more intimate relationships. We long for conversations that never end. We long for mentorships. Okay, stop generalizing it... I long for deeper, more intimate relationships. I long for conversations that never end. I long for a mentor. In this past month or so, I've caught glimmers of it. I've found myself surrounded by like-minded people and it takes all my will power not to latch on for dear life and beg it to never end. That's what relational ministry looks like. It's outreach, yes, but it's also in-reach. It's right here. It's each of us, every day, intentionally allowing ourselves to get caught up in each others lives and to allow conversations to "go there." So now what? Now where do we go from here? We let the glimmers turn into embers that become an ever constant warmth in our hearts, so that it's no longer fleeting, but is surrounding. I can't wait for that day.

Bigger than "just'

I think I'm in a funk. Not the kind where a cup of coffee or more sleep (or chocolate) can snap me out of it. I think it's deeper. I feel restless and alone and it's lasted way too long. I can't seem to focus, and it's not the distraction of my normal ping pong brain, but a deeper discontented unfocus. I can't seem to think through what is eating at me. I can't seem to sit and pray or read. I want to, but I just feel stuck.  I have felt the need to sit down and make goals, but nothing comes. I thought maybe it was a lack of "resolutions" for 2013, but nah it's not that. I know what I want to reflect, I know how I want to be, but I'm just not. I want to pursue passions. I want to do art. to write. to play. I want to be strong and confident. I want to be intense. It's there. I can feel it. I want to say whatever is on my mind. I want to reflect Christ's love. I want to be a part of the Story. It's like something big is supposed to happen. I feel like this can't be it, but what is it then? Something bigger. Something that rocks my world, that flips it. Something totally exciting yet terrifying at the same time. I feel it in my core or in my soul. Do you feel it?

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else feel like this can't be it? Every time I bring it up I get these crazy looks or people shift in their chairs completely and utterly uncomfortable with the questions and discontent I bring. Or better yet I get "reassured" that I am "doing" enough. No way. I'm not talking about doing works to earn God's love. No. I am talking about God doing something huge. I am talking about a group of people coming together willing and ready for God to rock our worlds. I am talking about not settling for convenient Christianity, not settling for "just."

Just love those you come in contact with.
Just say a little prayer.
Just do the best you can.
Just...

No.

It's bigger than "just"...God deserves more than "just"...God is bigger than "just"...

I have no idea where this is going, but I have a feeling that this funk isn't going anywhere for a while.

28 before I'm 28 - Update 2

I am now 24.5. 3.5 years to go. 

I wanted to update you guys on my list!  

Green is done, blue is in progress, and black is not yet.

1. Learn to throw on the potter's wheel. - my pottery is not the best, but I do throw on a semi-consitent basis. 

2. Have an apartment - make some of my own furniture...furnish it with antiques and quirky items. - done.

3. Finish writing my curriculum series for Children's Ministry. - This one is getting the cut...apparently what I wanted to write has already been written. Bummer dude. 

4. Play tennis on a consistent basis. - back to just being a goal. 

5. Continue to be a learner - read fiction and non-fiction, write, write, and continue writing, dialogue with others who stimulate new ideas and challenge me to grow and think about things in a new way. - I like this one.

6. Surround myself with friends to share life with, and be in a small group. - I'm still hoping for this.

7. Lead a children's ministry. Equip families, tell Bible stories, invest in the lives of children, and love everyone that I meet.

8. Maintain a healthy diet.

9. Buy an Ipad. - The children's ministry got one...so kind of.

10. Hike, bike, kayak, and camp...not just talking about it, but doing it. Well I own stuff, now I just need to use it. 

11. Start on my Master's. - I talked with the Seminary, hopefully in the next year or two this will be blue! 

12. Make my parent's proud.

14. Go on a missions trip.

13. Get published- December! 

15. Find a mentor.

16. Go skiing or snowboarding.

17. Lead someone (hopefully multiple people) to Christ.

18. Learn to play my guitar (not just chords, but actual songs and be good enough to play in front of others).

19. Consistently go to a coffee shop and talk to the people there.

20. Own a dog. - the best dog in the whole world

21. Read through the entire Bible. - I'm not going in order...but I do want to at some point

22. Learn to sew from my mom.

23. Sponsor a child through World Vision. - Compassion won out.

24. Go to a ministry conference (ex. Orange or Simply Youth Ministry) - D6 2012! 

25. Own, and know how to operate, a nice camera.

26. Volunteer at a sea turtle hospital...for at least a day.

27. Own a collection of records...and a record player.

28. Walk in the footprints of Christ getting closer and closer to Him each and every day.

Number 3's replacement -  Network with ministry leaders.

Well, there you have it...I feel pretty good about getting most (hopefully) all of these done by the time I'm 28...there might be a few added and a few nixed as a result of growing and changing, but regardless...here we go!

"Complaining of Manna"

They were tired, far from what they knew, they were scared and hurt. As they walked after dreams of "what could be" they started to forget. They forgot the vision, the mission, the end goal. They lost site of what they were fighting for. They watched the Egyptians fall, it was amazing, exciting, triumphant...yet sad that it had to come to that. They saw miracles, incredible miracles and they rejoiced, but were a little scared about what this meant. They got what they wanted, but once they got it, they weren't sure anymore. Though their dreams had come true, they couldn't help but miss their homes. They were used to working hard, but in the past it was because of force, now it was determination and the longer they walked the more they doubted.  They doubted that it would be worth it. Would there even be a light at the end of this very long tunnel?  Did we even hear God right? Is Moses really telling the truth? Year after year they doubted more and more.

They were stuck in the wilderness.

Their very own doubt, or lack of trust, kept them wandering.

In the midst of the blessing all they could do was complain of Manna.

God gives us dreams, passions, desires. He sets them in our paths and hearts and with total abandon we follow. We want the dream to come true and are thrilled that God actually does too. But then we forget, or maybe we lose sight. God gives us a path and we walk in it,with anticipation and expectation. The further away we get from the initial decision, the more we hesitate to believe that our dreams could very well be in line with what God wants for us. As the doubt creeps deeper into our souls and opposition impedes our path, the hurt seeps in. The lie that our dream was never God's, that our desires will never come to light, blinds us and in brief moments or maybe not so brief moments of weakness we cannot help but think that God did this to us.

We get stuck in the wilderness.

Our very own doubts keep us wandering.

In the midst of the blessing, all we can do is complain of Manna.